Health Warning: This is a much longer blog than normal. The main reason being 3 nights in, I’m now fed up of watching The Waltons so I had more time to kill - sorry! And we’ll start by jumping straight into the deep end!
I don’t really know what grief is? I don’t recognise the word grief as it sounds a lot more painful than I’m personally going / been through. However, I have become convinced that coping with loss is a challenge and is different for everyone.
I felt I’ve been making progress with missing Kim and our old life. Indeed I have, I am conscious of a lot of things that I can do and think now that I couldn’t have done and thought before. However, like so many journeys, the many forward steps are punctuated by the occasional step backwards. For a lot of today I felt I was taking one of those backward steps. But the fantastic thing about a journey like this is as quickly as you go backwards, you start going forward again.
Bacon bagels and tea suggested this would be a day much like the other 3. The weather was the first difference - it’s decidedly colder. Still a bit sunny, dry, windy but at least 5 degrees cooler. The wind was shaking the van and reminded me of the many (and I mean many) gales Brunnehilda had lent herself into during her relatively short life!
The walk today was suggested by Mandy. The northern (Dark?) Peaks are more moor than dales and therefore they offer plenty of opportunities for unrestricted fun for 2 daft collies. I picked a walk from my new OS App and put Burbage Bridge in the Volvo Sat Nav. First mistake - when you’ve picked a walk on the App, always download it. I didn’t have the benefit of this advice when I headed out and therefore hadn’t heeded it!
Second mistake, the sat Nav took me to North Burbage Bridge not Burbage Bridge. Not a fact I was aware of when I arrived at the car park and found that there was absolutely zero internet coverage. Forget 4G not even a G!
Now I know my way around maps so, rather arrogantly I didn’t think this would be a problem to a man of my substantial experience and intellect. Well it was. Mainly because I was trying to make sense of all the topography around Burbage Bridge not North Burbage Bridge where I actually was. To be fair to me at this time I didn’t even know there was a North Burbage Bridge! There should have been footpaths to the north but there seemed to be nothing. Every path and every person was heading south. So that’s what we did.
The 2 Direwolfs had been in the car for 40 minutes during which time Tilly had worked herself up into her usual pre-walk frenzy. They both went flying off the lead vaulting the rocks and running manically through the rather congested start of the footpath. At this stage they both thought it would be a good time to poo in front of the crowds. Within 5 mins they’d both cleared themselves out twice! Talk about poo bags, I really needed a bloody bin bag!
Thankfully as soon as I got a couple of hundred yards down the path, the crowds had gone, the dogs had calmed down, their bowls had emptied and I had 4G! Result. With the stress abated I took time to look around - absolutely beautiful. Rugged and immense but so beautiful.
After studying the map I realised I was just 1 mile or so higher up than the official start place. However, good news I was actually on the walk just 1 mile short of the starting place - Burbage Bridge. I realised the car was at North Burbage Bridge! Bugger who would have thought there were 2. Calling my destination South Burbage Bridge might have helped but hey, I was on my way.
(I promise I won’t write Burbage Bridge again!)
It turned out I was at Burbage Rocks on the Sheffield Country Walk. It was a gorgeous walk down to the other place I’m not going to mention and then a steep climb up a rocky path onto the top of Burbage Rocks before turning right and heading across Burbage Moor.
Before the right turn we walked along the ridge. I didn’t realise it was a sheer drop until I saw a couple of rock climbers clearly at the top of their climb. I tried to keep the dogs well away from the edge but the more I shouted at them and pointed to my right, the more they went left. Never mind that might prove useful if ever the danger was on my right!!?
The moor was just magnificent. So rugged, so desolate, so empty and so beautiful. I finally picked up a very wide trail called the Houndkirk Road. There were a few more folks here. A lot of serious walkers and cyclists - and no where near as friendly as the ones encountered over the last couple of days. Don’t know why - maybe it was me?
The path up by Lady Cannings Plantation was starting to get a little bit samey and my left foot / heel was starting to hurt. So, to my shame I aborted the original 10 mile walk and found a shortcut back to the car trimming off a good 4 miles!
I headed back across Burbage Moor to a place called Ox Stones - the dogs and I had drinks and a snack here. It was also here that Tilly blotted her copy book.
Firstly there was the birds! Dogs were asked to be on leads because of nesting birds but the majority weren’t so I had mine off. This was all good until half way round when Tilly suddenly realised she was surrounded by lots of birds - she started barking at them and getting on her hind legs and looking skyward. Not a good look. So I had been shouting at her quite a bit during this part of the walk. Then, at Ox Stones, the copy book was blotted even more. The problem, as always, stemmed from food - I was giving Tilly some nibbles when a nice spaniel innocently wandered by. Tilly went mad. Luckily I had her on the lead so could keep her away. The woman with the dog looked absolutely petrified. Not surprisingly really when you think there was a vicious snarling dog being held back by an old boy with a grey beard drinking a can of cider - in the middle of nowhere! Poor woman!
I now know who Tilly reminds me of when she’s in one of these moods … Begbie in Trainspotting!
Incidentally, Trainspotting is Gogs (my mother in laws) favourite film! Most mother in laws would have The Sound of Music as their number 1 but Gog has Trainspotting, the most violent, drug crazed British film ever. True!
I quickly got on my way. Finding a path (not marked on the map) that took me straight across the moor back to the car park.
I was left feeling a little bit embarrassed about Tilly but very cross with myself for not sticking to the walk I had planned!
I got into a bit of a spiral and then everything I looked at pushed me further down. A bit like seeing food adverts when you’re starving hungry. In the car park - a couple holding hands and then a couple kissing at a kissing gate. On the road out, a whole gaggle of middle aged married couples out for a walk and then, as I was driving through Haversage, another middle aged couple with their dog sitting outside a cafe enjoying a coffee. All individually perfectly inconsequential but together they just seemed to push me down further.
Thankfully I recognise when I’m in a “poorpoorme” spiral so I pointed the Volvo homebound and headed back to Brunnehilda as quickly as possible. And to cap it all, she’d been joined by another 3 guests in my “private” field!
A cup of tea and an hour or so watching the cricket and eating Cadburys chocolate wasn’t really improving my mood!
So I decided on a 3 point improvement action plan. I feel a list coming on:
Food to fill my Belly:
I had had very little to eat since my breakfast bacon bagels and it was now 6.30. Kim always said my mood was correlated to my hunger so dinner became a priority. I went to the Horse and Jockey at Tideswell. Nachos and chips were far from a gastronomic masterpiece but they hit the spot. I also had a giggle while in the pub. Half a dozen local youths came into the pub and sat next to me. They were very loud but all had very broad Derbyshire accents. I got to say I couldn’t understand a word they said apart from “fcuk” and “fcuking” which were used unsparingly throughout. I think they were talking about an upcoming holiday in Spain but they could have been discussing a Mary Berry Victoria Sponge recipe for all I knew?!
Another Walk to Clear My Head:
And my God it was gorgeous. I parked up at Miller’s Dale, climbed up onto The Monsal Trail, went over the bridge and then down to The Wye and then back along the north bank of the river to the car. It lasted about an hour and I didn’t see another soul and it was perfect. Benny loved his evening paddle as well.
Spoke to the Kids:
I got hold of Bobby and Thom when I was sitting by the river bank. I got hold of Laura later. We didn’t really talk about anything it was just enough to see them / speak with them.
I got back to Brunnehilda at about 9.15 and had a nice long chat with a guy in the first motorhome. Chatted about absolutely nothing but it was nice.
With all the above I physical felt the “poorpoormes” falling off me and was back on that forward path I mentioned at the start. More tea and Cadburys Chocolate cemented the deal!!
An Interesting (well to me anyway!) postscript to the day, was provided by Benny. He spends so much time in the river building up his courage to swim but he just can’t do it. No matter how much he tries there is something holding him back. And the great shame is, if only he took the plunge he would be able to swim (as all dogs can) and it would literally change his life! But he just can’t! It reminded me of Carol Dwecks mindsets - I know this blog’s readership are an educated lot so I probably don’t need to explain , but I will ….
Benny has a Fixed Mindset. As much as he wants to swim he has a totally fixed believe that he can’t do it. If only he could switch to a Growth Mindset and take the plunge, knowing that most things are possible and we can all change, learn and grow.
Given the day I’d had, it was a meaningful lesson for me as well. I did mention Carol Dweck to Benny but I really don’t think he got it - I’m going to have to chuck him in the deep end!
Driving back to Brunnehilda , Spotify randomly played one of the most beautiful and saddest tunes ever written - Ashokan Farewell. It made me smile!
Home tomorrow - I’ll be back Derbyshire, I’ll be back!
